Sunday, February 28

How to Secretly Poo at Your Boyfriend's House

Personally, I cannot stand it if a guy sees me poop. I won’t even let any man into the loo while I’m in there. Take it or leave it. I am Naijasinglegirl and I don’t poop! 
And neither should you! You’re a woman—have some class. And as much of a double standard as it is, he’ll be turned off by it.

I am a master at bathroom etiquette. None of the guys I ever hung around with knew I pooped. I gave them the impression that when my body needs to undergo metabolism, I vomit out my waste through my mouth or an angel visits me every night to empty my bowels. 
Rules to follow:
There are two major factors to consider which are sound and smell. Our nose and ears function in a mutually exclusive way. That’s why there’s need to turn down the volume of your car stereo when you are trying to locate a mixed up street address. That’s why its more dangerous to release a silent fart during a catholic mass service than it is to fart at a club.
SOUND 
This section is for when the smell is not a factor, but the sound is. For example, you know he wont be going into the bathroom soon (perhaps because he already went) but the walls are paper thin. If you’re at his place in the morning or evening, you can turn on the faucets, and showers, then pretend you’re brushing your teeth vigorously to mask the sound of your ploping. If he asks you why there’s so much noise in there, tell him running water calms your nerves. 
If appropriate, the best thing is to tell him you are going to take a quick shower. This is great because he thinks you are doing it as “prep” for “wowie time.”
However, beware of two things:
1. The smell will be worse in a humid environment so use cold water.
2. Do a super fast wash-up afterwards because of the whole aforementioned “wowie time” thing he may be expecting.
Flush as you plop. That’s pretty self explanatory. If its not going to be super weird for you to flush four or five times, then time your plops to the same time as the loud flushing noise.
Beware: TIME PROPERLY! 
The loud part of the flush is not for a few seconds after you’ve pushed the lever.
Put some toilet paper into the toilet before you begin.
This absorbs the poop and thus prevents that telling back splash noise. Beware, it will smell worse if you use this method because the specimen is not submerged fully into the water. 
Extra Tip: Turn on the radio to the maximum volume or slot in one of those TerryG’s loud cds when your bowel starts giving you signs. Before you leave him in the bedroom or sitting room, tell him you absolutely love the TerryG’s song playing. Then after two minutes of dancing or singing along loud, excuse yourself. Chances are, he’ll leave the radio up until you come back.

SMELL

Smell is a tougher thing to conceal. At times it gets so bad his nose won’t only be traumatised. He might start hearing the smell of the poop. I’m sure you wouldn’t let it get to that cos you are a princess and barbies don’t poop!
But if it happens, smell is all you need to worry about when the area he is sitting is far from the bathroom and the sound wont carry. If this is the case, here are a few tips:
Before you get in there, pre warn him by giving him signs like:
“Boo, are you perceiving that awful smell from your bathroom area? Let me go check it out.”
“Boo, let’s play hide and seek. I pick the toilet to hide.”
“Boo, is someone working on the drainage outside?”
Babe, when was the last time you empty the trash? I smell something.

Did you wash the dishes from the night before?
“Boo, what’s that smell? Did a rat die in here?”
Lock the door!
Do your deeds as FAST as you can!
Use the bathroom spray or, insecticide. Tell him you are helping to disinfect his bathroom if he asks. 
BEFORE you drop one AND after, most people wait until after, do not make this mistake - Crack a window or light a match (I usually move around with a matchstick). These are both “tell tale poop smell” concealers.
If possible, don’t walk out of the bathroom till the smell goes out except you are walking out with a lawyer. LoL
That way, the smell has a chance to dissipate by the time he needs to go in there again.
If multiple flushes aren’t a problem, take advantage.
The less time poop is sitting in the toilet, the less chance is has to stink up the room.
If all else fails, accept that he will know you pooped. As unattractive as it might be, all mature men know that all humans poop. If he makes fun of you or sues you for a smelly poop , tell him to grow up. If he won’t grow up, he’s not mature enough for a relationship so its okay to break-up cos of a natural process like pooping.
Goodluck. 
Note: This post is exclusive to girls only.
- NaijaSingleGirl
Read more - http://www.lailasblog.com

50 comments:

  1. Some articles sha...maybe for fear of ever being caught you won't marry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then he ain't ur bf if u still hiding d most normal thing from him#even mess sef

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    2. Then he ain't ur bf if u still hiding d most normal thing from him#even mess sef

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    3. Bullshyt!!!! I must smell and c ur poo if am dating u! Its no big deal. What if u die while lying ? Cos u wan claim posh? Rubbish article if I know u, and I know where u hang with ur guy, I will spike ur drink and force shyt out of u! Lying pretentious bitches everywhere?!!! If u can exchange fluid and mk out with a man! Thats it. Let him know u to ur poo! Stop d pretence

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. U won't let a guy know that you are pooping...when we definitely know that u must do it...or else you are not a human being...who is deceiving who?...rubbish write up..

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  4. Arrant nonsense!! Gibberish!! What silliness,who doesn't poop,.

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    Replies
    1. Lmao naijasingle always cracks me up

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  5. If you are dating a guy or a Girl and he or she hasn't farted for once, Get away from that relationship because if he or she can hide common fart for years he or she is capable of hiding some other things.

    ReplyDelete
  6. How fake can one be? My man makes me go to the loo sef, cause it is healthy he says when I say no especially in the morning. Writer, please, how old are you? #NoOffense

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  7. ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO NEUTRALISE ODOUR IS BY POURING BLEACH INTO THE TOILET BEFORE YOU USE IT....BLEACH CAN BE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE WHEN KILLING BAD SMELLS. THEN POUR SOME MORE BLEACH INTO THE TOILET AFTER FLUSHING.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. your instructional materials please and let me score you, i love your handwriting anyways....

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    2. Have u heard of toxic infection getting into ur pussy cos of splash from d toilet bowl ? B very careful not to block ur uterus / womb with bleach infection cos u dey hide smell.

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  8. I enjoyed every bit of this write up. Damn funny!
    #The Beadologist#

    ReplyDelete
  9. Fake people, fake lives. Smh

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG... This is so funny ... Good write up... Visit my blog www.jeoprince.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. okay lemme me open another tab and bookmark ur blog too

      Delete
  11. Their is nothing to hide in that my dear, it's normal thing. I will even tell my boo I want to fart so he can be prepared#lol#.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you talk sense allah, happy sunday for that

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  12. Hmmm... This article get as e be ooo... Anyways lemme believe that u are joking

    ReplyDelete
  13. How fake can some people be? You hide your poop but open your vagina. Rubbish

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  14. Foolishness! for how long will you hide?

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    Replies
    1. pls dont insult him, u gat ur own hidden probz under your ugly boxers......sorry lol

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  15. Lol.. . If you read Naijasinglegirl's blog, you will know she's so sarcastic in all her posts.... Don't take her too serious o

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  16. Lol so many years in and I still practice all these rituals, except for the match one. It actually comes natural, not because I don't want him to know, but because I think it's just curtious to conceal your dirt. It's quite offensive to me when a person poops and they let it stink up the whole house. So just out of courtesy I never allow anyone to hear, or smell my poop. And alllllways wash up afterwards ladies. You never know when he will jack you up out of the blu for that 69 position. Don't say I didn't warn you loool.

    Lady G
    www.gabychronicles.blogspot.com
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  17. So all this I go do b4 I shit? Bcos him na Angel Micheal? Even the richest woman shits, then who am I?

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is obviously just for laughs but who knows? Might come in handy lol

    ayandola.blogspot.com

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  19. What rubbish did i just read??

    ReplyDelete
  20. Soro niyen? Abeg happy Sunday jooo

    ReplyDelete
  21. YOU REALLY NEED TO HEAR THIS

    https://youtu.be/VT_WYcY2Mcg

    ReplyDelete
  22. YOU REALLY NEED TO HEAR THIS

    https://youtu.be/VT_WYcY2Mcg

    ReplyDelete
  23. Lolzzz..I no fit shout oo..Its better you let it flow naturally.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wonders! It is a fact of life that cannot change. Everyone does that.. I guess you wont marry too since you wouldnt want your hubby to see you doing it....

    Some articles are notworth posting forpubic reading

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hahahaha..Some women no get sense at all

    ReplyDelete

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